Humans have the desire to love and be loved, which is often looked for in romantic relationships. And when the relationship doesn’t work, you have to deal with a breakup, which can be very painful.
Like most people, after a breakup, you might go through a process where you may consider getting back together with an ex. Perhaps you’ve dated people since you and your ex ended, and you’ve realized you’ve been searching for another him. After all, something is alluring about The One That Got Away. But here’s the big issue: There’s no person like him. Now, you’re wondering if it was terrible when you were together. And if he also wants to try again, you’re wondering how you can be sure if you should run or stay. Was it really over?
Try New Things
A great way to help you decide whether or not it is worth it to get back with your ex is to try and do some new things. A great way to start the process is to create a bucket list of things you have always wanted to do, and try and get as much of it done while you are single. This will allow you to experience some fun new things without attaching them to past memories of your relationship. It is always healthy to try and do some new things every once in a while, and will help you to grow as a person. Don’t let your hesitation get the best out of you. Just get out there and do it, you won’t regret taking the chance.
If you have tried doing new things and you still long for your ex, then that’s probably when you may want to consider rekindling the relationship – but consider the other factors to be discussed here first.
Consider if you had enough space from your ex
Not putting enough distance between you and your ex can prevent you from completely moving on. If you two share a class, go to the same social gatherings, or live nearby, no wonder your ex is on your mind. Try to distance yourself first before making a decision about rekindling the relationship.
It’s natural to miss an ex, even if things ended on a sour note, but make sure you’re not giving in to this idea too quickly. But give yourself time to think about why you miss them. If it’s because you honestly and rationally want to work things out (and not just because you’re drunk and emotional at the bar), then it may be time to reach out.
Consider the cause of your breakup
Before you give the relationship another shot, be honest with yourself and evaluate the issues or circumstances that caused your breakup. Did you end things because it was hard to maintain a long-distance relationship? Did you break up amicably with the both of you deciding the timing or chemistry wasn’t right? Did one of you cheat on the other? Did you have different things you want to do in life or values you uphold?
It’s easy to forget about the negatives when you’re missing a former significant other, but reflecting on the cause of your breakup can help you put yourself in a more realistic state of mind and determine whether getting back together is the best option.
If you get back together, think about what will be different this time. Know what needs to change to make it work the second time around.
Reflect on what you didn’t like about each other
Take a moment to reflect on the things that absolutely irked him about you and see if you are willing to be flexible on that part or behavior. Chances are, if it bothered him before, it would most likely bother him even more again because that’s what he didn’t like about you before. Be honest with yourself and think about where you stand on these – are you willing to change, compromise or adjust so that these issues would come up less and less?
The same goes for what you don’t like about him. Are they really deal-breakers, or are they stuff that you can be willing to live with? Also, assess their ability to change and adapt for you. Being in a relationship requires being willing to compromise for the sake of your partner. If you remember that you were the one always adjusting to fit his needs and preferences, while he wasn’t able to do the same for you, think harder if you really want to be with this person.
Reflect on how you might have changed
Before you even pursue getting back together, it’s important to check in with yourself about where you’re at. If things ended with your ex because of their fault or their unsavory behavior, sure, they’ll say they’ve changed. But consider what you want and how you have changed.
Over time, we learn new things about ourselves and develop different perspectives, so you may also have a change in your future plans or needs. Make sure you would communicate these things to your ex so that both of you have a fair opportunity to make each other happy.
If you’re honest with yourself, you might have outgrown your past connection with this person and moved on. Either way, seeing how you might have changed is important before reaching out or responding to your ex.
Make sure you’re not just holding on to the past
Nostalgia can sometimes be a liar. Sometimes, we tend to look back at our old relationships with fondness because the pain isn’t as fresh, or maybe we have forgotten about the major problems you two had with the relationship.
Most of the time, the reality is that you left that relationship for a good reason. If we go back again and you didn’t carefully consider the cause of the breakup and address it first, the pain you felt back then will most likely sneak up on you again. People who successfully get back together with their exes look at the relationship as a brand new one so as to help them address their feelings in a healthier manner.
Do not settle because you’re lonely or just missing the feeling
Are you considering getting back together with your ex because you’re lonely? Probably, you hate feeling the odd one out, especially if all your friends are coupled up. When you’re the only single person in a friend group or see your peers moving forward with their relationships on social media (proposals, engagements, weddings, etc.), there’s a lot of pressure to be in a relationship. Often, it’s easiest to imagine ourselves with the last person we dated or the last person we had a serious relationship with.
Getting back together with an ex may feel easy because it’s with someone you’re already comfortable with. You know what they love and what they hate, and they know the same about you. With that level of intimacy, it’s not surprising that you miss them.
If you want to give the relationship another try, make sure that you’re not doing it because of desperation or because you feel lonely being alone. Ask yourself some evidences that you’re not settling, just settling. Do you genuinely miss the person or the feeling they gave with their companionship? Are you missing your ex – the whole person, weaknesses and all – or perhaps you’re just missing the sex or having someone to do life with? You should not make this decision out of the thought of having someone than no one. It’s okay to miss the feeling of being in a relationship, but they aren’t always worth going back to. But if you’re happy and whole and realize you had a good thing going on, that’s a good place to start.
Make sure the decision is yours
A breakup can be extra difficult when your loved ones also love your former significant other. If they had a strong bond with your parents, siblings, or besties, severing those ties with your former partner can be almost as painful for all the parties involved as the breakup was for you.
Because of this, your inner circle may affect your decision, depending on how emotionally attached they were to your breakup. Look out for this because you need to stand firm in your own autonomy. Before getting in touch with your ex to see if you can rekindle the fire, make sure you’re doing it for yourself and not just to make your loved ones happy.
Check how your friends and family feel about your ex
The people who love you most probably are the people with the strongest opinions about your ex. Whether you’re the one who initiated the breakup or the one who got left behind, your friends will likely be happy to share their opinions about whether you should get back together.
Whether you recognize it or not, your loved ones may be a better judge of character than you. They can notice qualities about your ex that are easy for you to ignore, and they can point out ways they have seen you change through the relationship. Suppose they say that you changed negatively when you were in a relationship with your ex (for example, you became more anxious, you became more materialistic, you abandoned the hobbies or anything that made you happy). In that case, you may want to consider their feedback and see if you’re willing to embrace that change in you that your ex has caused.
You may potentially hear negative or hard-to-swallow truths, but try to avoid being defensive. Ask them not to hold back and be prepared to receive their honest answers. Your support network is filled with people who want the best for you at the end of the day, so it’s important not to dismiss their concerns.
Address your former issues
When both of you wanted to reconnect and try again, address the breakup with each other. You can’t just jump back into the relationship and pretend that nothing happened because, eventually, all your past issues will come up again before you know it. Old problems and fights are likely going to come up again, so it’s better to get ahead of them. Discuss the issues behind your fights and what you’re going to do to avoid another one of those in the future. Talk to each other and discuss what you’ve learned from your split and how you can do it better this time.
Talk about what you did when you were apart and why you want to get back together
When trying to rekindle the relationship, it’s important to speak up if you got into a relationship with somebody else while you two were broken up. You don’t need to go into details unless that someone was his best friend, someone close to him, or anyone that may trigger jealousy and hurt. If that someone is another guy whom he suspected that you were interested in when you were together, your ex may have more concerns about it. Be honest and talk about it calmly.
If you’re getting back together because you know there’s something worth pursuing with your ex, then it’s a great consideration.
Ask yourself if you can trust your ex
Trust is vital for a relationship to thrive and be stable. After evaluating how your relationship ended and your ex’s behavior made you feel, consider whether you can trust them. If they betrayed your trust back then (probably by crossing a boundary or cheating), it’s definitely necessary to ask yourself if you can trust them this time.
If you think that you can’t just yet, you may need to establish this before committing to one another again. Slowly start as friends and try to get to know one another again. If your values align, it’s a good sign that it may eventually work out. If you still need time to work out the trust issues you had with your ex, rebuilding the foundation of friendship would help.
Conduct a trial period and take it slow
Once you’ve decided to get back together again, you don’t need to go full steam ahead. Even though it can be tempting to pick up at the level of intimacy where you left off, it’s best to consider dating first and going slow to give it a trial run. You don’t know for sure whether your reconciliation will be successful, so going slow would give you a preview of things to come and whether you both want to stick with it.
Slow down so you can have the chance to get real and assess your expectations in this relationship. Was there something major missing back then that your partner could fulfill this time around? This is a vital question to answer before reconciling.
Consider if life is really better with each other
This can be a tricky question to answer if you’re alone and lonely, but ask yourself – were there more good days than bad when you were together? Did your ex improve your life, or did you feel hurt most of the time? Did your ex add value to you, or did he cause a lot of stress? Does this person’s characteristics line up with the things you want and need in a relationship? A healthy relationship is made up of two people who are improving themselves to express their love for their partner better and those who are bringing out the best in each other.
The same goes for your ex. Has his life changed for the better when you were in his life? If he never met you, would he be the same person when you first met, or did you truly see that you enriched his life? Be honest with this, and don’t take credit for his achievements or life improvements that are mostly his doing.
A good partner brings out the best in you, sees your strengths and potential, and respects and supports you. If your ex had a negative attitude that made you bitter and pessimistic, or if they started unnecessary arguments that caused you to become defensive (or vice versa), one of you should start dealing with self-issues first before entertaining the thought of getting back together.
Trust your instincts
Many people often do not trust their instincts when it comes to relationships and will sometimes try to force something which clearly isn’t working for months or even years. This can result in a huge waste of time and energy for both of you. If something just doesn’t feel right at the start of your relationship or the end of it, then trust your instincts and move on. Never ignore major issues and red flags; always listen to your gut. If you want to give things a second chance, make sure you also trust your instincts and start to backslide again.
See New People
Another important part of figuring out whether or not you should get back with your ex is to try and see some new people to help give you some perspective. If you have only ever dated one person your entire life, then you have no real idea of what being in a relationship with someone else could potentially be like.
Professional Help
Sometimes dealing with an ex or a breakup can be pretty difficult, and many people find the need to seek external help to aid in the process. Sometimes, there can be useful pieces of advice in online articles, or from licensed professionals, which can help to speed up the process of deciding what you really want in regard to your old relationship. Sam at getherbackguide.com discuss the different types of things which you should consider during the process, in order to help guide your thinking process, and help you make the decision that will make you the most happy. Always be sure to communicate effectively with your ex, and your counsellor in order to ensure you receive the most benefit from the process, and get the help you need.
Journal
A great way to help clear up and organize your thoughts can be to regularly journal. This can either be done using a physical journal which you can write in, or even by using a computer and word documents in order to help record your thoughts. Try a few different journaling methods until you find something that is convenient and works for you. You can write your journal entries from a variety of perspectives, and it can be as formal or informal as you wish. Feel free to write about whatever you want, including any feelings you have had throughout the day or
Talk With Friends
Another important step of making any decision regarding your relationships past or present is talking with your friends and family about your thoughts and feelings. This will allow you to gain some perspective, and also see what some of the people who know you the closest think about your situation.
Trust Your Instincts
Many people often do not trust their instincts when it comes to relationships, and will sometimes try to force something which clearly isn’t working for months or even years. This can result in a huge waste of time and energy for both of you. If something just doesn’t feel right at the start of your relationship or the end of it, then trust your instincts and move on.
Having regrets about a relationship is never an enjoyable thing to experience. The hope is that after reading this article, that you will have gained some insight into a few solid tips to help you decide if you should get back with your ex. There is no set formula to help with relationship issues because every person and relationship is different. Be sure to most importantly take into consideration the well-being over you and your ex over everything else. Sometimes things aren’t meant to be, but sometimes things can actually work out! You will never know until you try.